A while back, I was asked at work to write some blogs on the subject of Mental Health, and one of the pieces I came up with was something I called My Top Ten Tips for helping someone who has depression. I’d suffered with it, along with Panic Attacks and Anxiety, sometimes all at the same time and usually when the housework needed doing. My wife suffered with it too. She didn’t suffer with depression herself. She suffered with mine. But that’s a whole different story. And it was so much fun I wrote about it. That’s a fun read.

So, I posted some blogs on the work blogsite and then people started contacting me, through the blog page saying things like, “I know someone like that,” or “I had the same experience,” and so on.

Coffee Machines & Depression

And it wasn’t just people I worked with, these were people from the US, Canada, Scandinavia, and across Europe. And it wasn’t until then that I realised this was a global issue that nobody was talking about. Then, one day, while I was at the coffee machine in the office, someone said, “I read your blog and it had some great information but, how do you actually help someone, with depression?” And then I thought, perhaps I should write down some pointers, things which were beneficial to me during my brush with the dark side, and they became the Top Ten Tips. And here they are. Of course, I had to put my own spin on it, so you won’t find this type of article in any professional, medical journal anywhere, and probably for good reason.

Firstly, my Top Ten Tips piece totals thirteen and in Westernised culture the number 13 is unlucky.  And, people who have a phobia of the number 13 suffer from something called Triskaidekaphobia.  I suffer from a phobia of words like Triskaidekaphobia. But, I stuck with 13 to buck the trend.  If you suffer from Triskaidekaphobia then just read up to number twelve.  Number thirteen is fairly boring anyway.

So here’s my Top Ten of Tips with three extra, free of charge.  In no particular order then:-

1 – Time 

For anyone who’s depressed or dealing with someone with depression “time” is very important.  It’s important because there’s no quick fix.  No short cuts.  It’ll take as long as it takes.  After all, how long is a piece of string?  A doctor said to me once that the rate of improvement from depression is equal to the rate of decline.  So, if the depression has been building up in the background for six months then it’ll take around six months before you can expect any significant change.  It’s a rule of thumb though, not an exact scientific calculation. 

The way depressed people use their time is like this.  “Ok, what can I not do today and how long can I not do it for?” or, “How long will it take me to mess up everyone’s day?” or even, “Wow, Homes under the Hammer is really interesting these days.  Even though it’s a re-run from 2009 and house prices have since trebled which renders the programme redundant, I still wish they would devote a whole station to running it back to back all day like E4 used to do with Friends.”  Time therefore, in a depressed mind really doesn’t equate to much.  It ceases to be of any importance. 

A depressed person cannot be ‘wasting their time’ because time is nothing.  Wake Up.  Stay Depressed. Sleep.  Repeat.  Time is the measurement of a day.  Depression means every day is the same.  Therefore time has no meaning.  It merely signifies another day with depression.   Tick Tock.

2 – Calmness 

This is really important.  Most people who have experienced depression will know what it’s like sitting on top of a ‘ready to erupt’ volcano of negative emotion.  When people around you are calm then it can have the desired effect on you.  That is, the volcano in your head can also become calm.  The opposite is true of fussy clients, who won’t pay for anything and want everything done yesterday. This is not conducive to a calm working environment, and should be avoided by everyone with depression.  Come to think of it, it should be avoided by everyone.  If you have a spouse who is depressed then nagging them to ‘snap out of it’ probably isn’t going to generate the positive response you were hoping for.  It goes hand-in-hand with the idea of ‘killing with kindness’ as depression feeds voraciously on negativity and negative emotions. 

So, if you’re haranguing your other half to do the washing up, or to even have a wash, then all you’re effectively doing is digging a deeper pit for the depression to hide in and sooner or later it’ll take your other half with it.  Better then to put those negative thoughts and feelings to the back of your mind, smile through the sufferance and look towards a time when you might be back to how you both used to be.  Not easy admittedly, but calmness is the key.  Trust me.  I know. Just remember, they can’t argue with themselves. If you steadfastly refuse to argue with them, the depression has nothing to feed on.

3 – Relaxation

Like being calm, relaxation also works wonders with depression.   Relaxation though is not so easy in the real world where work and life get in the way.  Having four screaming children, two dogs, six cats, a budgerigar and a lama racing round the house is unlikely to generate a relaxed atmosphere.  In these circumstances you might need to bin the lama and sell a few children.¹  Or get rid of the lot and buy a fish tank.  Fish tanks are very relaxing.  Especially if they have fish in them.  And water.

4 – Understanding

Understanding depression is more difficult than it sounds.  The idea that depression is just having a bad day every day is probably not going win over any friends who are depressed.  Saying things like “What’s it like then?” or, “Come on, it’s harder where there’s none. Pull yourself together,” or, “Are you sure there’s something wrong with you, you seem perfectly fine to me,” aren’t remarks that figure highly on the empathy scale.  They are considered by many to be stupid remarks made by stupid people.  If these are the kind of things you say to, or about depressed people then take a moment to draw a large arrow on a piece of paper, then go to a mirror, look at yourself, point the arrow at your head and say loudly, “I’m with stupid,” over and over.  After that, come back and continue reading.

5 – Listening 

This isn’t about sitting with someone while they warble on about how difficult their day has been because Homes under the Hammer finished at eleven-thirty and they’ve been in a downward spiral ever since.  This is about listening to what all that warbling really means.  It means trying to make some sense of why Homes under the Hammer provides some basic solace in an otherwise desolate, black vortex.  If like me you think the reason Homes under the Hammer exists is for thick people who haven’t got the brain capacity to do anything else, then you can begin to understand where people with depression might go all day.²

It seems to me that having depression is like starting all over again.  You can’t concentrate for long enough on anything complex because it’s too tiring to do so.  Why is it tiring?  Because excessive emotional turmoil is burning up your energy.  So you have to start with the basics.  Like not doing anything and watching Homes under the Hammer.  HUTH is not strenuous.  You don’t have too think much to watch it.  The work is all done for you.  All you have to do is watch.  “Hell is other people” said Jean-Paul Sartre. Lee Adams said “Depression is daytime TV.” 

Daytime TV

So when you come home from a hard day at the office and find your depressed other half still unwashed and sitting on the sofa where you left them nine hours ago, ask them what they’ve been doing all day. If they say, “Well I watched Lorraine, followed by Good Morning Britain, then Homes Under the Hammer, Bargain Hunt, Jeremy Kyle, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Millionaire Matchmaker, a re-run of Hawaii five-o and then Pointless,”  you might be excused for initially thinking “You lazy, good for nothing *%$!”. But what you should be thinking and saying is “That’s good.  You’re doing something and enjoying yourself.”

But daytime TV is something of a paradox.  If you watch too much of it and you don’t have depression it can cause the onset of mental illness.  If you have depression and you watch it, it might just be the first step towards redemption.  By the way, the person on the sofa described above was me.  I’ve since conquered my dependency on Daytime TV.

6 – Talking 

Depressed people don’t like talking.  It takes too much effort and energy.  Plus, you have to think.  Depressed people are not able to think because their body is an emotional volcano waiting to spew vitriolic magma at anything that displeases them.  When your physical and mental energy levels are at minus fifty it’s difficult to have a meaningful conversation about anything.  The one thing depressed people are good at is talking about how dark their lives are and how much they hate everything and everyone.  But this is good.  At least they’re talking. 

They might actually enjoy recounting how they got up at ten and went back to bed at eleven for a two hour power nap. And then had a little doze around four after a strenuous day binge watching Netflix.  Depression hates kindness.  Actually talking to someone with depression is likely to bring out the worst in them.  Like prodding an injured lion with a stick to see how it responds.  But stay with it and if you catch them at the right moment you may be rewarded with a smile.   The lion won’t smile though.  The lion will eat you.  Chomp chomp.

7 – Acceptance 

If you can accept a person is depressed and they’re not going to get better any time soon then you are part way to also accepting you’re there for the long haul.  Unfortunately it’s not like a headache where you take a Nurofen and it goes away.  Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

See the difference between the emoji’s?  It’s very subtle.  Still not got it?  Ok, the second one has depression.  It’s on the inside so you can’t see it. 

8 – Coaxing 

Gentle coaxing is often needed.  That means coaxing them to do things.  Like eat and breathe for example.  I find eating and breathing quite beneficial to living.  As do a lot of other people.  Depression is caused by a lack of Seratonin in the brain.  Vitamin D is good for Seratonin production.  Vitamin D is generated by sunlight so the old saying “Get outside, get some fresh air, it will do you good,” is actually quite true. 

The Depression though doesn’t like Vitamin D.  It’s like garlic or a cross to a Vampire.  A killer.  Therefore a depressed person won’t go outside.  That’s why you have to coax them.  Beer and sex work quite well for men.  For women it tends to be…actually I’m not even going to speculate on that.   Maybe Vampires are just depressed people.  Or depressed people become Vampires.  Unable to go outside because the sunlight will kill them.  Perhaps you shouldn’t feed depressed people Garlic Bread either.

9 – Mindfulness

I like a bit of Mindfulness.  It works wonders.  Mindfulness is about living in the moment.  Actually living in the moment.  Not thinking about it but experiencing it fully.  And it starts with the most mundane activities like brushing your teeth or making a coffee.  The idea is to stop you from living your life on autopilot while your brain decides what to have for dinner and worries about whether you left the iron on this morning.  And it includes relaxation techniques and meditation where you get to lie down for twenty minutes.  How brilliant is that?  And when I discovered I could lie down and meditate? That was it, I was sold. Sometimes I meditate for an hour.  My wife says there’s a difference between meditating and snoring.  I say it’s not snoring, it’s a zen Buddhist breathing technique.

And if Mindfulness interests you, click here to find out more.

10 – CBT

 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a process of changing the way we think and react by rewiring our mind and memories.  It works by defining what our rules and beliefs are, isolating these and then working on generating a more positive approach when these rules and beliefs are triggered.  Nothing I can say about CBT would do it justice other than it is a wonder of modern thinking.  Ok so it’s not cheap, and the NHS currently only offer group therapy sessions which I have never tried and honestly don’t know if they’re better than not having anything.  A lot of what I have to say at CBT is personal and private.  Quite how that comes out in group therapy I have no idea.

If CBT is something you’re interested in, click here to go to the CBT Register UK

11 – Exercise

Apparently it’s very good for beating depression.  I don’t know if it is or not.  I can understand the benefits of Vitamin D, Endorphins and Old Dolphins etc. but the last time I was depressed I went out of my way not to exercise.  Well, the depression went out of its way to ensure I didn’t even consider such a banal activity.  And I’m fine now.  I say fine.  I mean I only fight in the street three or four times a week, scream my lungs out very occasionally, am awash with medication but they have taken the electronic tag off my ankle, so I reckon I’m all but cured.

11 – Diet 

Sometimes I wish I was one of those depressed people who stop eating when they’re depressed.  Unfortunately I’m the opposite.  I start eating.  Properly.  Every day is like an episode of Man v Food and ‘in the ongoing struggle between man and food’ man wins every time.  Oh yes, the calories I can consume on a daily basis during the throes of depression would make a Sumo Wrestler think twice about whether he is fully committed to his lifestyle choice.  Having said all that, diet is very important.  Not dieting. Diet.  Nutrition and all that. 

I read something recently about the benefits of a good diet on mood and a poor diet on an increase in anxiety.  However, if my wife Vikki suggested we should eat more fish for example because of the health benefits then I would flatly refuse.  Unless it came from the local chippy and had been deep fried in batter (I don’t do this anymore).

13 – Patience 

This goes hand in hand with calmness and relaxation.  Patience is something you can’t have too much of.  Not if you have a depressed mind in the house.  That depressed mind will be trying very hard to test the limitations of your patience and it won’t give up until it has cracked it.  So while you’re prodding away at it as in the injured lion scenario, the depression is not so much prodding back as initiating an all out frontal assault, on your patience.  And it has limitless reserves of energy for this.  A whole body full.  So don’t go thinking it’ll give up in a minute because it won’t.  If it sees a chink in your armour it’s going to exploit it for all its worth.  And you’ll be left thinking, “Wow! Where did that come from?”  Depression.  It does love a challenge. 

Ok, so thirteen wasn’t so dull, in fact it was quite important but don’t tell the Triksaidekawotsname’s, I wouldn’t want them to feel unlucky.

Summary

So there you have it.  The 13/10 pointers to helping with depression.  Whilst many are not easy to achieve, all of them played a significant role in my ability to overcome my issues to some degree or another.  But I wouldn’t necessarily follow my advice.  With depression everyone is different.  I have it on good authority that people without depression are able to watch Daytime TV without medication, and they do so for entertainment purposes.  Because they can.  I know. How does that work?

I must say this is a completely alien concept to me but it does highlight the fact that we’re all individuals.  Unique even.  When Daytime TV loses its charm, appeal and lustre, that’s the best gauge of whether depression is losing the battle or not.  You can have all the brain scans and blood tests you like but you won’t get a better indicator than the response you’ll get from the news “Homes Under…” is coming back for a new series.

Back to Blogs Lees Blogosphere

1. This statement should not be viewed as an endorsement of child slavery. Especially since I had a paper round from the age of 11
2. I actually like Homes Under The Hammer. And it’s even better with Dion Dublin on it, so there!